


Heavy Price to Pay

by AraWrites



Series: Maxwell Trevelyan (DA:I) [3]
Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: I smuggled in a kiss between the two because I was sad I never got to romance him, Kissing, Lyrium Addiction, M/M, Male Friendship, Maxwell is unsure whether to keep on taking Lyrium and turns to Cullen for support, Other, Platonic Kissing, References to Addiction, bear with me guys
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-03
Updated: 2018-01-03
Packaged: 2019-02-27 13:18:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,665
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13249044
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AraWrites/pseuds/AraWrites
Summary: The Inquisitor asks for help from Cullen, who once more is forced to face the demons of his past.





	Heavy Price to Pay

He closed his eyes.  
It was one of these days again. The old pain torturing him, like hot needles being pushed into his head. He let out a long sigh, rubbing his eyes in exhaustion with the back of his hand while holding onto the table.  
“You should take a break.”  
Cullen jolted up in confusion and stared at the man standing in the door frame.  
“In...Inquisitor, I didn't hear you entering the room. I'm sorry, how can I help you?”  
He was clearly embarrassed, ashamed that he had been seen in such a weak moment while his past addiction once more showed its ugly side.

“It's alright.”  
Maxwell smiled, but it was an unusual weak one for him. The commander mustered his face; the Inquisitor looked worn down, tired, like the weight on his shoulders was getting too much for him to bear.  
“I just wanted to ask you if you could spare some time in the evening for me. I would like to talk about something with you, but...not here. In private.”  
He looked around, the door handle still in his hand, like he was afraid someone would hear them.  
Cullen narrowed his eyes and slowly nodded.  
“Is everything alright? We could talk now, Inquisitor.”  
Maxwell shook his head.  
“Just visit me later, I will await you in my chambers. Don't worry, it's nothing bad”, he said, already walking out of the door again and leaving behind a confused Cullen.  
Nothing bad?

–

The moon had long risen when Cullen finally decided to blow out the candles and leave his room to meet up with the Inquisitor. He had taken off some of his clothes, he was too tired to keep on wearing his armor, and now quickly walked through the corridors of Skyhold. Nobody seemed to be awake anymore. The sound of soldiers training outside, of merchants receiving and selling their goods, the banter of nobles had been replaced by the silence of the night. Only the wind whispering through the hallways and his firm steps interrupted the otherwise so peaceful atmosphere.

He was standing in front of the Inquisitor's quarters now.  
Nothing could be heard from behind the wooden door and Cullen asked himself if maybe Maxwell had already fallen asleep too. He stared at the closed door, unsure whether to enter or not. Slowly he reached for the handle, pulling back his hand once more before he finally cleared his throat, knocked and walked in.

The room was dark except for a fire crackling in the fireplace and the moon shining through the opened balcony doors. He searched for the Inquisitor in the dim light and found him standing outside, watching the sky. He cleared his throat again and Maxwell turned his head in surprise.  
“Oh, you are here. Sorry, I was...ah, never mind. Thank you for coming.”  
He pushed himself from the railing and walked back into the room, past a still confused Cullen. The Inquisitor leaned against his desk now and crossed his arms.  
“No need to thank me, Inquisitor. You said you wanted to talk with me?”  
Maxwell lowered his head and let out a long sigh while closing his eyes. There was this tired expression again, the all too visible exhaustion Cullen had seen on him already hours ago. Instead of saying something Maxwell turned around and reached for a little box on his table. He slowly walked towards his bed and asked Cullen to follow him with a wave of his hand.

They were sitting next to each other now and the blond commander examined the box more closely. He suddenly realized what he was looking at. The familiar smell lingering around left a metallic taste in his mouth, tightened his throat to a point that he felt like he would suffocate any second now. Was that the reason the Inquisitor wanted to talk to him, to ask him to take Lyrium again? He had tried his best to stay away from it, no matter how bad the withdrawal was at times. He believed he was on the right track, that he was getting better, overcoming the years of abuse. Was he wrong? Had he failed? Disappointed the Inquisitor?

His heart rapidly hammered against his chest and the pain burning in his head made it difficult for him to focus on Maxwell's words.  
“I want to ask you something.”  
Cullen lowered his head, burying his face into his hands; his skull felt like cracking open any second now. It was unbearable, made it impossible for him to think.  
“Do you think I should keep taking Lyrium?”

The commander looked up from his hands, blinking in confusion. The pain was still throbbing behind his eyes but he could feel the weight on his chest slowly fading.  
“I have to admit that I didn't take it regularly in the past, but since you mentioned the memory loss I am even more uncertain about all this.”  
Maxwell opened the box. An already prepared vial was waiting for him inside, ready to be consumed. With trembling fingers he touched it but backed away again immediately, like the vial had burned his finger tips.  
“You probably ask yourself now why I even decided to become some cut short version of a Templar if this is such a problem for me.”  
Cullen straightened his back, suddenly becoming painfully aware of his wet back and the tunic clinging onto his sweat. He breathed deeply in and out a few times before he finally replied.  
“Well, why did you decide to do it?”  
The Inquisitor slowly closed the lid. His marked hand rested on the coarse wooden surface. His thumb traced the pattern, fiddled around with the clasp as if he wanted to open it again and finally give in to the temptation.  
“My family has a long history within the Chantry. If you don't happen to be the first born you usually end there in one way or another. I was supposed to become a Templar but...I had tried my best to avoid this. I wasn't afraid, I just didn't know if this was really what I wanted do for the rest of my life. I mostly did it now because it seemed like the most logical thing to do, to defend myself against Corypheus' magic and to gain more control of the anchor.”

Cullen didn't answer at first, instead he stared at his own still shaking hands. He could understand the Inquisitor's doubts and fears, still he had made a valuable point. Should he stop taking it for his own good? Or should he go on, to gain more power for the sake of protecting himself and others while the Lyrium would slowly destroy him?

“Is it because of me?”  
The Inquisitor nodded and pressed his fingers into the hard wood, his knuckles turning a sharp white against his olive skin.  
“The memory loss doesn't kick in instantly, same for the craving and pain when you decide to stop and do so early.”  
Maxwell looked up and furrowed his brows. This certainly wasn't what he had expected to hear from Cullen of all people.  
“Are you trying to tell me that I should keep on taking it till this whole mess is over and then try to get rid of it?”  
Cullen scratched the back of his neck.  
“I'm sorry, if you say it like that it really doesn't sound like a good idea. What I want to say is: If you think you need to keep on taking it you have a chance to get clean again without suffering too much. Without having to fear the consequences. There is no guarantee though.”

They sat there in silence for a while till Maxwell let out a deep sigh and finally set aside the box again.  
“I will have to think about this. I appreciate your help though and I hope it wasn't too painful for you. I know you don't like talking about this but there's no one else here I could ask.”  
The commander cracked a faint smile and shook his head.  
“I'm glad I was able to help, Inquisitor. Even though seeing the box brought back some memories I would have preferred to forget. There's no way you will ever forget the smell and taste though.”  
Maxwell slowly pushed the box underneath a nearby pillow while Cullen looked to the fire. He watched it dancing in the fireplace, his face softly lit by its warm glow.  
“I have never truly thanked you, Inquisitor. I am forever grateful that you didn't ask me to start taking it again and that you respected and supported my decision. Even if it was a risk for the Inquisition.”  
He turned back to the Inquisitor to smile at him. Maxwell returned the kind gesture, deeply touched by the commander's gratitude for something that had seemed completely obvious to him at that time. How could he ask this man to give up, to go back to an addiction he had tried to overcome for so long already?

“It was the least I could do...especially after the whole flirting disaster.”  
Cullen chuckled. He turned away his head again and rubbed his neck, smiling sheepishly while doing so. He still remembered Maxwell's playful comments back in Haven.  
“I was truly flattered, even though it caught me a bit off guard. I just didn't expect the Inquisitor to be...well.”  
The commander looked back to Maxwell, abashed by his own words.  
“Forgive me, I didn't want to implicate anything, I mean, I don't think it's wrong or...”, he stammered till Maxwell cut him off and dismissed his worries with a wave of his hand.  
“It's alright. I can't blame you, most of my life I was questioning myself and for the longest time I shared my bed with women.”  
Cullen lowered his head and started staring at his boots. He shifted his legs slightly and brushed the carpet with his soles, trying to find a proper way to word his next question while he watched the fibers move around.

“When did you know it?”  
Maxwell ran a hand through his hair, shuffling it around a little. Well, when did he? He could still remember his first kiss from a man but he certainly didn't “know” then. He had been confused, shocked, unsure how to handle these doubts that suddenly plagued him. Did he know it after the first time he had sex with a man? The first time he looked at one and started to fantasize about him and all the things they could do together? After he had started to develop feelings for a man, feelings he never had experienced with a woman before?  
“I...don't really know to be honest. But it started with an unexpected kiss from an old friend and from then on I couldn't stop thinking about it. It was a long journey.”  
He mustered the thoughtful Cullen next to him, how he kneaded his hands between his knees. Something still seemed to bother him.

“You know, you weren't the first man who showed interest in me”, Cullen spoke up after a while.  
“I turned down all of them though, even if some of them were respected peers or close friends of mine.”  
He straightened his back and finally teared off his eyes from the carpet.  
“I sometimes do ask myself what could have been. Don't get me wrong, I'm not unhappy or ever questioned myself. Still, it's...it's an entertaining thought”, he said, followed by a low chuckle.

“I get the feeling you want to ask me something”, Maxwell replied, not without a hint of amusement in his voice.  
He watched how the corners of Cullen's mouth slowly curled up into a playful smile and the Inquisitor started to grin himself. Even if they had agreed on just being friends, something Maxwell in the end actually preferred, he still had a thing for Cullen. However, he would wait. He would wait for Cullen to make a move, to word his request, anything that made it clear that Cullen was interested in more. He didn't want to embarrass the poor commander again after all.

He didn't have to wait long.  
Maxwell could feel the mattress moving underneath him when Cullen shifted his weight, leaning forward, closer to the Inquisitor. Cullen's hand brushed past Maxwell's cheek and to his neck. Carefully he caressed the back of Maxwell's head, shuffled through his short hair. He mustered Maxwell's face for any sign of discomfort. His expression was calm though and the way Cullen's gentle touch seemed to relax him was nice to watch. There probably weren't a lot of people who managed to make the Inquisitor forget about his position, his difficult role for once. Who were allowed to get close to him and ease his stress. Something that was all too familiar to Cullen.

Their faces were close to each other now, brown eyes staring at blue ones, and for a second the blond commander seemed to hesitate. When Maxwell closed his eyes Cullen finally went on and pressed his lips firmly against the Inquisitor's. Cullen could feel the stubble rubbing against his own, strong muscles moving underneath his fingers when Maxwell put an arm around his waist, pulling him closer. He slowly opened his lips and gasped in surprise when he could feel the Inquisitor's tongue exploring his mouth; passionately, demanding. For a moment he was able to ignore the pain that had been his steady companion for so long now.

Cullen interrupted their kiss after a while. He pushed the Inquisitor away, panting heavily while he tried to regain his composure. His hands held onto Maxwell's shoulders and for a moment Cullen allowed himself to rest his forehead against the Inquisitor's chest. He kept his head low, wanted to avoid looking at the other man's face. Even if Maxwell had returned the kiss with enthusiasm he still felt bad for having approached the Inquisitor so recklessly. It wasn't fair to use him just because he wanted to satisfy his own curiosity, not after Cullen had turned him down back in Haven.  
“Forgive me, this...was uncalled for...”, Cullen muttered.  
He tightly pressed together his eyes when he felt his headache return, was aware again of the pressure at the back of his head.  
“There's nothing to forgive, my dear friend”, Maxwell said with a soft voice.  
Cullen slowly nodded and finally let go of Maxwell. The Inquisitor gave him a pat on his shoulder and Cullen took a deep breath.

“Anyway...”, Maxwell said after Cullen seemed to have recollected himself again, “did this answer your question?”  
Cullen shook his head in amusement and couldn't suppress a low laugh.  
“It was...interesting. Not bad, but I think I prefer the soft cheeks of a woman”, he replied.  
He rubbed his sore cheek for emphasis, the stubble burn was something he certainly could live without.

Once more their eyes met and Cullen became aware again of how utterly exhausted the Inquisitor looked like. It hurt to see him like that and at times it was like looking into a mirror. Cullen would have done anything to lessen the burden his friend had to carry. He too knew how it was like to feel helpless. The constant fear of failing, of disappointing your loved ones or being unable to protect them. Being forced to face something that's so overwhelming, so much bigger than the very own existence. Knowing there was nothing he could do but assists him on his mission, lend him a helping hand and listen to his worries was painful.

“I better leave now”, Cullen mumbled and stood up.  
It was late already and he needed to get some rest, same for the Inquisitor. He walked towards the door, followed closely by Maxwell. Maxwell opened the door for him but Cullen stopped in the door frame. He turned around one last time to face the Inquisitor.  
“Thank you. For everything.”

**Author's Note:**

> Set before Maxwell romanced Dorian and things got serious between them.
> 
> I went pretty blind into DA:I and was pretty smitten with Cullen (I know he's a lot less charming in the earlier installments), same for my Inquisitor. Unfortunately Cullen turned him down, but I always liked the idea of the two becoming very close friends later due their shared personal traits. A deep, platonic bond between two men who understand each other and their worries. Cullen is the one Maxwell turns to when things get too much and he needs someone to talk to or simply a place to hide from his responsibilities for a minute.
> 
> For the curious/the ones who want to see a picture of him, [here](http://bit.ly/2DNEjLI) is a detailed profile of my Inquisitor.


End file.
